Dude wrote it, what, 10 years ago and he’s yet to grow enough as a
person to disavow even a single sentence of it. What an absolute king.
Wish I could live that way.
The first two sentences have a weird contradiction:
Every inch of wall space is covered by a bookcase. Each bookcase has
six shelves, going almost to the ceiling.
So is it “every inch”, or are the bookshelves going “almost” to the
ceiling? Can’t be both.
I’ve not read further than the first paragraph so there’s probably
other mistakes in the book too. There’s kind of other ‘mistakes’ even in
the first paragraph, not logical mistakes as such, just as an editor I
would have… questions.
I'm not one to complain about the passive voice every time I see it. Like all matters of style, it's a choice that depends upon the tone the author desires, the point the author wishes to emphasize, even the way a character would speak. ("Oh, his throat was cut," Holmes concurred, "but not by his own hand.") Here, it contributes to a staid feeling. It emphasizes the walls and the shelves, not *the books.* This is all wrong for a story that is supposed to be about the pleasures of learning, a story whose main character can't walk past a bookstore without going in. Moreover, the instigating conceit of the fanfic is that their love of learning was nurtured, rather than neglected. Imagine that character, their family, their family home, and step into their library. What do you see?
> Books — every wall, books to the ceiling.
Bam, done.
I'll go further and say that "Each bookcase has six shelves" is a wrong note. That's too uniform, too much like a conspicuous-consumption, "you've got to have a library" kind of library. What, there's no double-high shelf for big folios and atlases and books of art prints? None of the cases is a cheap one they've had since that first apartment after college that they've never quite had the time to replace (and it hasn't fallen over yet, you know)? "Each bookcase has six shelves" isn't a statement about a library people live in, it's about a library you find a dead body in.
> This is the living-room of the house occupied by the eminent Professor Michael Verres-Evans,
Calling a character "the eminent Professor" feels uncomfortably Dan Brown.
> and his wife, Mrs. Petunia Evans-Verres, and their adopted son, Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres.
I hate the kid already.
> And he said he wanted children, and that his first son would be named Dudley. And I thought to myself, *what kind of parent names their child Dudley Dursley?*
Congratulations, you've noticed the name in a children's book that was invented to sound stodgy and unpleasant. (In *The Chocolate Factory of Rationality,* a character asks "What kind of a name is 'Wonka' anyway?") And somehow you're trying to prove your cleverness and superiority over canon by mocking the name that was invented for children to mock. Of course, the Dursleys were also the start of Rowling using "physically unsightly by her standards" to indicate "morally evil", so joining in with that mockery feels ... It's *aged badly,* to be generous.
Also, is it just the people I know, or does having a name picked out for a child that far in advance seem a bit unusual? Is "Dudley" a name with history in his family — the father he honored but never really knew? His grandfather who died in the War? If you want to tell a grown-up story, where people aren't just named the way they are because those are names for children to laugh at, then you have to play by grown-up rules of characterization.
The whole stretch with Harry pointing out they can ask for a demonstration of magic is too long. Asking for proof is the obvious move, but it's presented as something only Harry is clever enough to think of, and as the end of a logic chain.
>"Mum, your parents didn't have magic, did they?" \[...\] "Then no one in your family knew about magic when Lily got her letter. \[...\] If it's true, we can just get a Hogwarts professor here and see the magic for ourselves, and Dad will admit that it's true. And if not, then Mum will admit that it's false. That's what the experimental method is for, so that we don't have to resolve things just by arguing."
Jesus, this kid goes around with [L's theme from *Death Note*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0TUZdBmr6Q) playing in his head whenever he pours a bowl of breakfast crunchies.
>Always Harry had been encouraged to study whatever caught his attention, bought all the books that caught his fancy, sponsored in whatever maths or science competitions he entered. He was given anything reasonable that he wanted, except, maybe, the slightest shred of respect.
Oh, sod off, you entitled little twit; the chip on your shoulder is bigger than you are. Your parents buy you college textbooks on physics instead of coloring books about rocketships, and you think you don't get respect? Because your adoptive father is incredulous about the existence of, let me check my notes here, *literal magic?* You know, the thing which would upend the body of known science, as you will yourself expound at great length.
>"Mum," Harry said. "If you want to win this argument with Dad, look in chapter two of the first book of the Feynman Lectures on Physics.
Wesley Crusher would shove this kid into a locker.
Maybe they're less than an inch from the ceiling, so if you drew inch lines every one of them would be at least partially covered? (but yeah, not the best way to write)
"Every inch" as an idiom means "completely". If Yud wanted it to mean "not quite completely" (not sure why, but ok) then he's effectively repeating himself in the opening two lines, which means an editor could shorten it.
This means I have completed Yud's challenge within the first paragraph of his book.
Well it's also often used as an exaggeration. But yeah almost to the ceiling is just unnecessary, the reason it's almost to the ceiling is that even if you're sizing your shelves for the room of course you'll have to leave some clearance; nobody expects that there would literally be no gap between the ceiling and the top of the bookcase, if it is indeed a discrete bookcase. People will picture a slight gap, unless you start talking about a sagging ceiling resting on the bookcases.
I'd cut "almost to the ceiling" out. "every inch" or not, you aren't going to have your ceiling resting on the bookcases without some description.
Could alternatively cut "every inch", though.
Also, six shelves is way too few shelves for bookcases that go almost OR all the way to the ceiling. If you’ve got eight foot ceilings that’s well over a foot per shelf. Books aren’t that tall!
You would think that comics are sparing in their use of
words, but what’s funny is how wordy a lot of them actually are. Looking
back at old, say, Silver Age comics, what always strikes me as hilarious
is how the characters are always explaining to each other what they’re
doing. Like “Golly gee, Superman, if you can’t melt through all that
metal in thirty seconds, the whole city is doomed!” Thanks, Jimmy,
pretty sure he already knows.
Wildbow readily admits that his verbosity is due to lack of editing, which he refuses to do because he would rather post biweekly chapters of new stuff. Even by sneer standards I think that's, y'know, a bit different from proclaiming that actually every sentence in your work serves a Grand Purpose.
Lol, I doubt there isnt a chapter which cannot be easily cut in
half.
I for example on the top of my head recall the strange rant how
turning into a cat leads to faster than light signalling. (And there is
also the other part where yudopotter misses that levitation also voids
conservation of energy and would lead to the same ftl conclusion, or the
rant on cats having a smaller brain, sorry the odd nerdy
phrasing about neurons).
Dude wrote it, what, 10 years ago and he’s yet to grow enough as a person to disavow even a single sentence of it. What an absolute king. Wish I could live that way.
The first two sentences have a weird contradiction:
So is it “every inch”, or are the bookshelves going “almost” to the ceiling? Can’t be both.
I’ve not read further than the first paragraph so there’s probably other mistakes in the book too. There’s kind of other ‘mistakes’ even in the first paragraph, not logical mistakes as such, just as an editor I would have… questions.
Can I point to an unnecessary sentence in it? As in just one?
Crap, he’s got me there.
Come on, even if he was good at editing his own work I would still expect there to be some cuts that could be made.
Too bad the whole rat community doesnt try to do that more often
You would think that comics are sparing in their use of words, but what’s funny is how wordy a lot of them actually are. Looking back at old, say, Silver Age comics, what always strikes me as hilarious is how the characters are always explaining to each other what they’re doing. Like “Golly gee, Superman, if you can’t melt through all that metal in thirty seconds, the whole city is doomed!” Thanks, Jimmy, pretty sure he already knows.
Quality sneer.
I’m upset at the person comparing him to Greg Egan though.
Lol, I doubt there isnt a chapter which cannot be easily cut in half.
I for example on the top of my head recall the strange rant how turning into a cat leads to faster than light signalling. (And there is also the other part where yudopotter misses that levitation also voids conservation of energy and would lead to the same ftl conclusion, or the rant on cats having a
smaller brain, sorry the odd nerdy phrasing about neurons).Ed “Fiction is an Intelligence Trap” Yudkowski