• 3 Posts
  • 108 Comments
Joined 3 years ago
Cake day: June 15th, 2023
  • picnicolas@slrpnk.nettoAsk Lemmy@lemmy.world•How do you deal with grief?
    2·
    3 months ago

    I’m sorry for your loss, and for everyone in this thread who is grieving. The truth is our culture has no idea how to grieve. We are expected to keep it private, which keeps it stuck in us, as everyone who has posted in this thread can attest to.

    I went to a grief ritual in a western African lineage, the Dagara people, and their perspective is that colonialism and the evils of western culture are rooted in an inability to grieve. I don’t disagree.

    Sobonfu Somé and Melidoma Somé were brought up by that tribe to teach their grieving rituals in the west. If you can find a Dagara grief ritual near you I cannot recommend it more highly. I’ve been on a 15 year healing journey, over six months of silent Buddhist meditation retreat, over a decade of therapy, many thousands of dollars of trainings and workshops… and some things moved through me in that ritual that nothing had been able to touch prior to that. Sacred Groves on Bainbridge Island in Washington State is where I went.

    Anderson Cooper’s podcast on grief is excellent. The best book on the subject that I know of, partially inspired by the Dagara rituals, is the Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller. He’s interviewed on Anderson’s podcast here.

    I hope these resources help. You’re not alone in struggling with grief.

  • picnicolas@slrpnk.nettoAsklemmy@lemmy.ml•What are some habits or skills that you've recently(or not so recently) learnt that improved the quality of your life or made things more fun?
    8·
    4 months ago

    Crucial Conversations — Summary

    A crucial conversation is any conversation where

    1. stakes are high,
    2. opinions differ, and
    3. emotions run strong. These are the moments where communication tends to deteriorate into silence or violence—and also the moments that most impact relationships, results, and trust.

    The book teaches how to stay effective, curious, and collaborative even when it’s hard.

    1. Start With Heart

    Before opening your mouth, check your intent.

    Ask yourself three grounding questions:

    • What do I really want—for me, for them, and for the relationship?
    • How would I act if I truly wanted that?
    • What stories am I telling myself that distort my motives?

    This interrupts reactive fight-flight patterns and restores internal alignment.

    1. Learn to See When Safety Drops

    Crucial conversations become unsafe when people sense judgment, coercion, or disrespect.

    Detect early signs:

    • Silence: masking, avoiding, withdrawing
    • Violence: controlling, labeling, attacking

    The moment safety drops, the conversation stops mattering—only self-protection matters.

    1. Make It Safe (Establish Psychological Safety)

    You restore safety through two tools:

    i. Mutual Purpose — “We’re in this together.”

    Show that you care about their goals and outcomes.

    If purposes differ, create a shared purpose by inventing options acceptable to both sides.

    ii. Mutual Respect — “I value you as a person.”

    When respect feels threatened, no conversation works.

    Apologize sincerely if needed. Use contrast statements:

    • What I don’t mean → clarify the misperceived attack
    • What I do mean → state your positive intention
    1. Master Your Stories

    Your emotions come from the story you tell about what’s happening—not the event itself.

    Event → Interpretation (“story”) → Emotion → Reaction

    People naturally fill gaps with:

    • Victim stories (“It’s not my fault”)
    • Villain stories (“They’re terrible”)
    • Helpless stories (“Nothing I can do”)

    The fix:

    • Challenge your assumptions
    • Replace certainty with curiosity
    • Ask: “What else could this mean?”
    1. STATE Your Path (How to Speak Honestly Without Triggering Defensiveness)

    The book’s core communication tool:

    1. Share your facts (least controversial)
    2. Tell your story (your interpretation)
    3. Ask for their path (invite their perspective)
    4. Talk tentatively (avoid absolutism)
    5. Encourage testing (welcome disagreement)

    This expresses truth while reinforcing safety.

    1. Explore the Other Person’s Path

    Use curiosity to draw out their meaning-making process.

    Tools:

    • AMPP Skills

      • Ask
      • Mirror (reflect emotions or tone)
      • Paraphrase
      • Prime (offer a guess if they hesitate)

    • ABC of listening: agree where you can, build on shared areas, compare differences respectfully.

    Goal: understand them well enough that they feel seen.

    1. Move to Action (Decide + Execute)

    Crucial conversations should end with clear commitment.

    Questions to answer:

    • Who does what by when?
    • How will we follow up?
    • What happens if commitments aren’t met?

    Four decision models:

    • Command (leader decides)
    • Consult (get input, then decide)
    • Vote
    • Consensus

    Pick based on urgency, stakes, and involvement.

    Dialogue succeeds when people feel safe enough to express their full truth—and curious enough to hear others.

    Crucial Conversations is fundamentally a blueprint for replacing defensiveness with inquiry, fear with safety, and positional fighting with collaborative problem-solving.