The leopards have been punished for eating faces with paid leave and when they are brought back to supervise people with tasty faces they will take the consequences of their actions FAR more seriously, we guarantee you!

We have taken immediate steps to condescend victims for having tasty faces, especially if they are children and will continue to do so as our PR campaign progresses over the next couple of months.

We will also, starting now, only allow leopards in schools, daycares, pediatric facilities and homes so that a child is not attacked by a leopard in a tragedy on the main streets of america EVER again! Additionally to reduce this risk even further for children we are restricting their movements to schools, daycares, pediatric facilities and other locations approved by boards of expert christian business leopards such as Official US Church Franchises.

We realize these measures cannot bring back the loved ones that have been lost by our wrecklessness except through our new Meta fAImly Bots that recreate past family members using proprietary surveillance databases made automatically for all users of Meta products! All of it free through ads delivered in a personalized fashion by life-like fascimiles of dead family members! Never feel alone again while watching ads! Even better to give back to kids and prove our good intentions we are going to provide this service free for kids with no advertising at all!

Where was I… ah yes! --While we understand we cannot change the past consequences of our actions these measures we are taking will hopefully prevent the public from ever blaming us instead of victims again and we are confident through this process we can rebuild the public’s trust of leopards.

Thank you, american people, for your fatal patience for our hyperbolic lies and continual, ever faithful, gullibility! Please keep believing everything we tell you because we definitely aren’t getting away with the money from the bank robbery while everyone is distracted by a moral panic.