whats your thought on open relationship? if both living in different states

  • smiletolerantly
    1·
    3 days ago

    I am in one (I think… see below). We agreed to open the relationship, IDK, 7 years ago? Something like that. We’re both bi/pan, and sexuality- and kinkwise pretty incompatible. Neither of us was remotely willing to give up the relationship because of that though, because romantically and non-sexual-intimacy wise, the relationship is amazing. Oh god I love her so much.

    Anyways, we decided to open the relationship with a couple ground rules:

    1. Always communicate. That includes informing the other person before one goes on a date, for example.
    2. Sex only. We aren’t poly, and are both not ok with the idea of romantic connections forming… Romantically monogamous, sexually open, I guess.
    3. Protection, duh.

    She went on a couple of dates but didn’t actually end up sleeping with anyone, I slept with a couple of people. And… things were cool! It worked out for us. If anything, we grew even closer.

    The reason I said above that I “think” we’re in an open relationship is simply because neither of us has taken advantage of the openness of the relationship in at least 3 years, lmao. And so if I would decide that I’d like to get active again in that regard, that would 100% be preceded with a “hey, are we still open? Are you still comfortable with that, or have your thoughts changed?” conversation.

  • 🇰 🌀 🇱 🇦 🇳 🇦 🇰 🇮 @pawb.socialEnglish
    1·
    3 days ago

    I’m split on it. I’m involved with someone who is in one, which basically means I am in one. I don’t really want to see anyone else, myself. He already had another BF when we met. Sometimes I wish I was the only one so he’d give me more attention cuz we see each other maybe once a week, if he’s not busy wifh work or school or his other friends. Which makes it feel like I’m just the one he sees when he can’t see anyone else.

  • dragonlover@lemmy.zip
    21·
    7 days ago

    So ive been in open poly relationships before and am very sex positive. The problem is several fold and it mostly comes down to education of everyone involved and comfort of all parties.

    1. There needs to be solid trust and communication between all members. If you dont have this it will fail. This is why going open will never fix a broken relationship.
    2. Some people arent able to let go of the jealous feeling of their partner being with someone else and thats ok it just means being poly / open isnt for them.
    3. Everyone has to be ok with the arrangement before it happens. None of this “I get to kiss/fuck whoever I want but you dont” stuff.
    4. The reason you want to be open matters. Do you just find it exciting? Does your partner? Are you long distance and so want to keep your options open? Does the partner know that? Are you into a kink your partner isnt into and they are ok with you experimenting? Are you in love with multiple people and want them all and they are also cool with that? Giant cuddle puddle sounds great? It all comes down to trust again. It can NEVER be because you’re trying to compensate for something your partner lacks without the consent of the partner

    If there are any hard feelings in the relationship they will be compounded. So make sure the relationship is solid first.

    Also being open doesnt automatically mean each person can do whatever they want. Talk yo your partner about partners you want to being in. Talk to the new people about your current partner. Make sure everyone is kosher about what’s happening (and also make sure everyone is regularly getting tested for STDs)

  • swelter_spark@reddthat.comEnglish
    7·
    6 days ago

    I think they can work and be fulfilling, but you have to be honest and trustworthy, and good about communicating.

  • sunsofold@lemmy.zip
    7·
    7 days ago

    Without a commitment of some kind, that’s not a romantic relationship. That’s a non-binding letter of intent for a friends-with-benefits situation at a TBD date some time in the future with caveats and escape clauses. It’s about as much of a relationship as mutual swiping on tinder.

      • sunsofold@lemmy.zip
        1·
        3 days ago

        It’s not about the location so much as the expectations and praticalities.
        An ‘open relationship’ as a status requires a commitment from both people to maintain commitment to the relationship but allow casual sexual interactions outside of the relationship. That’s hard for a lot of, if not the large majority of, people, even when both people are in close proximity. If you take away the commitment element, it’s not a romantic relationship, it’s just casual or friend sex, which can be fine too, but has different expectations.
        A traditional long-distance relationship also requires commitment. Ask anyone who has tried to have an LDR. It requires a HEAVY commitment, and a lot of every day effort to maintain the non-physical intimacy of the relationship over that distance. Are you ready to spend all day writing texts, call each other when you have a few moments at the same time just to hear each other’s voices, and spend all evening on the phone talking about the most pointless BS that happened that day just because you love hearing about each other’s BS? If you got the chance to go visit, but you were exhausted from working overtime and it would cost everything you got as extra from the overtime and then a bit more, would you drop everything just to go see them for one day? These commitments, if they are going to withstand the difficulties of life, are usually on the order of ‘we will be getting married or entering a solemnified union of some kind but circumstances outside of our control make that impossible for now.’ If either of the people aren’t ready to commit to that level of dedication and permanence, the relationship, while possibly previously good, is not likely to be able to withstand the strain of each person’s needs and desires being deferred by the practical realities, again and again and again. You have to ask yourselves, and each other, out loud, whether that level of commitment is there. If it’s not, it’s far healthier for everyone involved to say ‘This isn’t something to call a relationship. I won’t wait for you, and I don’t expect you to wait for me, but I’ll be super fucking happy to try again when we’re both living in the same place if we’re not monogamous with someone else.’

          • sunsofold@lemmy.zip
            1·
            2 days ago

            It can technically be made to work, but it will be extremely hard. It’s combining two difficult to manage relationship dynamics into one VERY difficult one. Both people wanting an open relationship is only the bare minimum starting point. It takes a LOT more than that to even begin to make it work.

  • thethrilloftime69@feddit.onlineEnglish
    6·
    7 days ago

    I think why you are choosing to do it matters. I think open relationships can be successful, but like are you doing it to keep a relationship on the rocks going? Or are you both legitimately capable of polyamory and able to be available to each other and your other partners in a way that doesn’t feel demeaning to anyone involved?

  • Bizzle@lemmy.worldEnglish
    5·
    7 days ago

    I’m newly poly and my wife and girlfriend both live in town, but it’s really fulfilling for all of us

      • Bizzle@lemmy.worldEnglish
        1·
        3 days ago

        It’s been a long road but when I met GF I knew I wanted to date her and that I didn’t want to cheat. She is happily married and was already poly so I talked to my wife about it. It was suuuuper weird at first, but now we’re all friends. The most important thing about being poly- what makes it poly instead of just cheating- is openness and honesty. Just be honest and everything will work out for you.

  • zout@fedia.io
    4·
    7 days ago

    Open relationships may work, if you’re both comfortable knowing the other sleeps with other people. But living in different states? That sounds more like fuck buddies than a relationship to me.

  • Gyrcas@piefed.zipEnglish
    4·
    7 days ago

    I’m polyamorous myself, I think it’s just important to clearly establish rules about it with the people you are dating. Personally, my only rule is that anyone already in the relationship needs to agree when adding a new person. If someone says no, then it’s no

      • Gyrcas@piefed.zipEnglish
        1·
        3 days ago

        Basically yes, then if you want to add another person after, husband, wife, and the person that was added before need to agree to add the next person

        • loveablePerson@lemmy.worldOP
          2·
          3 days ago

          like can we share one thing like me and my partner both live in other city, so actually in other city she hug one friend so she ask me

          • Gyrcas@piefed.zipEnglish
            1·
            3 days ago

            If they are only a friend and not actually part of the relationship, you just need consent of the people in the relationship. That’s what I do when flirting online with people, I have the consent of everyone in my relationship (only my bf for now)

            So as long as she keeps you aware and that you say it’s fine, it’s perfectly ok in my opinion

  • printf("%s", name);@piefed.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    4·
    7 days ago

    I haven’t been able to subdue/erase/accept the emotion of jealousy, which sort of makes me unable to enjoy the wonders of it, but I wish I could. 😭

    With that said, I am a relationship anarchist. 😊 I don’t believe in distinctions and labels. There is only what you and I have, period. Regardless of whether it’s sexual, romantic, platonic or whatever.

  • Zensate@lemmy.worldBanned
    3·
    7 days ago

    Open relationships are objectively bad for healthy mature people who prize a connection and long-term loving relationship.

    However, they are a lot easier for people who prefer to not go deep, who don’t want to work on themselves, and who want to imagine they’re doing something extra “enlightened” or detached. It’s basically something you do out of ego and self-convenience, which is the antithesis of love.

    If you’re serious about this life, find one person and go deep with them. Experience the desperation of not always getting what you want, not always being able to have your needs met, not just being able to go to a different person when it gets hard or when you feel deprived.

    Like Jung says nobody grows until they reach a problem they can’t solve. Real love relationships are like that; you are eventually tasked with not just loving your own preferences mirrored in another person, which is pure selfishness, but learning to love beyond your own preferences, loving beyond getting what you want; loving just to love. This is the only way a person can learn unconditional love, even having children cannot teach you that because since they are “yours” the condition is always there that they an extension of your own genes. And loving yourself is easy.

  • HobbitFoot @thelemmy.clubEnglish
    3·
    7 days ago

    My thought is “Why?”.

    I fell like you need to people who are radically honest with others and I don’t understand why the long distance relationship is being maintained.