You know the one. The dumb joke you chuckled at that now just comes out unbidden at random times.
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This makes me laugh like such a stupid idiot. Just – bear with me here: imagine this scenario playing out.
Like I dunno I’m seeing pulling up in a Spirit Halloween “Canned Spaghetti Chef” costume with a fake mustache and everything. Combined with the intrusive thought of putting random things in those whooshy bank tubes.
“It’s him AGAIN!!” Like this master of disguise is some kind of recurrent menace to the bank staff. ROFL why does “frantically” make it even funnier?!
Does the tube activate with a wet schlorpy sound and pneumatically deliver its payload?
… If I think about it too much I struggle to breathe. 😂
The Mask: “Don’t turn your back at me” (context: things getting sucked into holes)
Homer Simpson thinking to himself:
“Aww, $20? I wanted a peanut.”
“$20 can buy many peanuts.”
“Explain how.”
“Money can be exchanged for goods and services.”
I think at least one part of this exchange to myself almost every time I buy anything.
My favorite Homer quote has always been
“Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?”
There’s always the classic
“Alcohol the cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems”
And the awesome “But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel; when he’s holding a gun.”
My wife and I quote this so often!
You might say he’s barking up the wrong bush.
Many years ago I hung out with an old man that when asked him what he thought about a subject and he had no real input he would answer “I think a sack of flour would make a big biscuit!”
That will stay in my head forever.
I love old man non sequiturs. My dad’s response to a toddler asking him why over and over again is “because I’m building a bicycle made of bananas,” which tends to produce a perfect koan moment and break the question cycle
And the toddler was immediately enlightened.
I feel enlightened having learned a new word, koan, today!
Thanks to xkcd, whenever someone says “blank-ass blank” I mentally move the hyphen over, and depending on the person, if they say “that’s a big-ass ball” I’ll ask them “what’s an ass-ball? And why is it big?”
I do this one too!
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs? A mathemachicken.
Thank you, made me chuckle
Always results in an eyeroll and a laugh/snort/grumble about it being the stupidest joke, but I love it.
How the turn tables.
-micheal scott
- Abraham Lincoln
One of my old coworkers at a previous job, I forget the exact context, but when he was asked to do something:
“Hey [Name], can you get this done?”
“Can the Pope’s dick fit through a donut?”
“… I don’t know?”
“Exactly 😎 👉 👉”
(The original is in swedish, so this is obviously translated)
Let’s see said the blind man to the deaf man
In English, we have something similar:
“‘I see,’ said the blind man to his deaf friend.”
Isn’t the next line usually: “And then he picked up his hammer and saw”
Thr one I’ve always heard is: “I see”, said the blind man with a hammer and saw.
That’s likely incomplete because the relatives I always heard it from…are not paragons of higher education, or scondary, or primary for that matter.
Argentinian here, I’ve heard that one too, it sounds better in Spanish (as I presume happens in Swedish). “Veremos”, le dijo el ciego al sordo.
“I see said the blind man to the dead dog” is what I’ve always heard. Definitely a fave
“What’s brown and sticky?”
“A stick.”
This one’s been doing the rounds in my family for as long as I can remember.
That’s a good one. I heard that the same time as my personal favorite
“Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?”
spoiler
“Because it was dead”
Why’d the second monkey fall out of the tree?
spoiler
___it was stapled to the first.
Why’d the third monkey fall out of the tree?
spoiler
___peer pressure
Why’d the lemur fall out of the tree?
spoiler
___thought it was a monkey.
What’s green, fuzzy, and can kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table.
I smiled.
“What’s big brown and sticky?”
“A big stick”
“What’s brown, and hurts if it falls on you from a tree?”
“A piano”
From the greatest sports parody movie ever made, BASEketball (1998):
Squeak: I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times I’m outta here!
“I guess that’s why she didn’t move around too much.”
“Penalty!” “Oh come on, that wasn’t a gay joke, it was an Australian joke!”
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
Edit: I’m also fond of:
What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered six-offender
I’m just imagining Kiwis not getting it
Why is 12 afraid of 10?
Because 10 was in the middle of 9/11!
Who are you and how did you get in here?
I’m a locksmith and I’m a locksmith.
That reminded me of another one. Someone says to someone else “You’re stupid and ugly!”. Their response, “I am not ugly!”.
There was an intentionally bad discovery channel commercial with some Mexicans dressed up as meteors entering earths atmosphere and burning up. Deadpan delivering “aaaahhhhh. The atmospheeeeere. Aaahhhhh”
That just pops into my head every so often. Me and my best friend thought it was hilarious back in the 90’s. Cause it was.
-“Anyway, your immunity Is due to the fact that you lack the delta brain wave. It’s a genetic abnormality which resulted when you went back in time And performed certain actions which made you your own grandfather.”
-“I did do the nasty in the past-y.”
Verily. And that past nastification is what shields you from the brains!
So I really am important? How I feel when I’m drunk is correct?
