Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome
He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,
“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
"That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, Dave again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained Dave. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get this shitty haircut?"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.
“Now what?”, responds the patron.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
A skeleton walks into a bar and says “gimme a beer and a mop!”
I approve of this joke!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
Spoiler
A carrot.
Two hunters walk in the woods when one of them just falls over, apparently dead. His friend calls the emergency services.
Hunter: Help! my friend just fell over and died in the middle of the forest, what do I do?
Emergency operator: Calm down sir. First you have to make sure that he is actually dead.
A gunshot is heard.
Hunter: Ok, now what?
What’s big, flat, and green and if it falls from a tree on you it will kill you?
spoiler
A pool table.
This one has been my favorite since I was single digits years old.
A bear walks into a bar and the bartender asks what the bear wants. The bear replies, “I’ll have a gin and…tonic.” The bartender looks confused and asks, “what’s with the big pause.” The bear looks at the bartender and says, “well I’m a bear.”
“-IGHT NOW!”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“TIME TRAVEL!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
“R-”
“What do we want?”
“HEARING AIDS!”
“And when do we want them?”
“HEARING AIDS!”
Watch out, that joke may fall on deaf ears
This also works for asynchronous functions in programming
A man walks into a rooftop bar of a hotel and takes a seat next to a man with several shot glasses and a bottle of tequila in front of him. He’s understandably shocked when the man throws back a shot, walks over to the ledge, and jumps off.
What shocks him even more is that 5 minutes later the man gets off the elevator, sits back down, and pours another shot.
He exclaimed, “How did you survive? I just saw you jump off the ledge!”
The man looks over and says, “I’m going to let you in on a secret. This is magic tequila. After taking a shot and jumping off, you slow down and stop just before hitting the ground. Come see!”
He’s guided to the ledge and watches as the man throws back another shot and jumps. Sure enough, right before hitting the ground, he slows down and stops.
“Well I have to try this,” he exclaimed. He took a shot of the magic tequila, walked up to the edge, and jumped off. Right before he hit the ground… Nothing happened and he hit the ground.
A few minutes later the man gets off the elevator, sits back down, and pours another shot.
The bartender says, “You know, you’re really an asshole when you drink, Superman.”
Holy crap. I invented this joke decades ago in Jakarta. I love seeing new spins on it in the wild like this.
Wait, that can’t be right. I came up with it during my time in south India
Well, if that’s a “new spin” - what was the original version?
I couldn’t figure out why the basketball kept getting bigger, then it hit me.
i like to tell this at dinner parties, introduced as ‘the holocaust joke’
jewish guy, gets thrown into a concentration camp. spends years in there… somehow makes it through the entire war alive, saved by the americans at the very end. after the war he migrates to the united states, finds a bride and has a large family. he lives to a very ripe age of 99, and suddenly at his death, finds himself at the pearly gates of heaven.
the jewish man walks through the gates, down a long hall where he can just make out a looming figure at the end. he approaches god himself.
the jewish man says, “god, i’d like to tell you a holocaust joke”
god looks down at the man and in a booming voice says “sir, that is not funny.”
the jewish man says “oh, i guess you had to be there”
wow !!
I spent all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? - He ate pizza before it was cool.
The jackhammer was a ground-breaking invention.
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side. My legs, for always supporting me. And my fingers because I can always count on them.
Why do Swedes put barcodes on all their ships?
So when they arrive back they can scan da navy in
Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks. The first blonde says, “oh look, deer tracks.” The second blonde says, “no, those are moose tracks.” The third blonde says, “you’re both wrong, those are bear tracks!” Then they were hit by a train.
A man visits the doctor: “Every morning at 6 o’clock sharp, I take a huge shit.”
“Oh, well, that’s good - it means you have regular bowel movements.”
“Sure… but I never wake up before 7.”Another one:
A man visits the doctor: “Can I take a bath with diarrhea?”
“Of course - if you can fill an entire tub…”these jokes are full of shit.
